Lagos Nights F.U.N

I remember the first time I met Olaotan. It was like something straight out of a movie. I was in my third year at GU and just about to become the oldest virgin alive at the ripe age of 22. It was bad enough that I was one of the oldest in my class but I also doubled as the least experienced.

So when Yetunde told me she was leaving school for a party I was more than thrilled. I could count on one hand how many parties I had been to in my life (kiddies parties did not count by the way). I should have asked what kind of party it was especially since the BBM said “BYOB”. (I still remember the puzzled expression Yetty had given me when I asked what BYOB meant).

After three days trying to hustle for exeat to leave school under the pretense of a doctor’s appointment, I held my exeat paper in my hands with a mixture of pride and satisfaction. I felt like throwing my head back, hands held high and belting out “This is Sparta!” (This is exactly why my roommates think I am weird). My nosy roommates had pestered me wanting to know why I suddenly felt the need to leave school. I who only left the premises to either return home on school breaks or on mandatory school excursions.

Yetty and I left school together the day before the party. We were going to crash at her boyfriend’s crib. He was a working class man (six years older!). I don’t know how she did it. That sort of age difference frightened me. I would almost feel like I should address him as ‘Uncle’.

Onosa (Yetty’s boyfriend) was cuteeeeee. He lived with his friend Dapo in a posh apartment just after Lekki third-roundabout (They still insisted that it was Lekki Phase 1).

His friend scared me a bit. He had red-rimmed eyes, a perpetual runny nose and a fondness for cough syrup. Yetty had stared at me quizzically when I asked why he was taking Promethazine even though he didn’t have a cough.

I spent the night in Dapo Dare’s room (I am not kidding. That is his name. His last name was Oludare but everyone called him Dapo Dare or DD). I could not sleep. I had never slept with a man before and I didn’t know what to expect. What if he decided to act out? It turned out the only thing I had to worry about were Dapo’s snores. After taking two more bottles of Promethazine (I was really beginning to worry about the kind of stubborn cough one could have to make them down three bottles of cough syrup. Ha!). Dapo’s snores were something akin to the sound of a car engine being revved. At some point, I gave up and went to watch E! in the living room.

And someone will date this one I thought to myself as I looked at his open mouth.

Yetty spent most of the next day cooped up in Onosa’s room while I flipped through magazines pretending I couldn’t hear her extravagant moans and his heavy breathing. Some girls just have all the luck don’t they?

Yetty is one of those babes that girls don’t like being friends with, especially insecure or less beautiful girls. She has been in a committed relationship since first year but you’ll go out with Yetty and single guys will be chyking her. Even single girls sometimes. (That actually happened)

I on the other hand was just glad to have such a fashionable person as a friend. If it wasn’t for her, I would probably still be wearing my Minion T-shirt and cut-offs while clinging to my rock chick/tomboy sense of style.

Yetty made me a girl, if I could stay that. This is actually terrible.  Where once I could hide behind my nonchalant style, I couldn’t anymore and I hated seeming like I was trying too hard. Being fashionable is a fulltime job and I’m just not that interested in keeping up. There is so much more going on like…

Cue game night. I had dressed in a pair of short shorts that rode up my butt (Yetty insisted they looked sexy. I on the other hand could feel the zip digging into my crotch). I had sucked belle all the way into my back and still the size 6 jeans were too snug (Damn this weight gain). I had thrown on an oversized tank top and wore a black sports bra underneath (For fear of trying too hard). Besides I was a B cup. No one wants to see Barely there boobs. Yetty almost had a conniption when she saw me.

“Mobs, no one can see your boobs!!” she shrieked.

I shrugged. “Well that’s kind of the point of the sports bra isn’t it?” I replied with the same nonchalance that Yetty had found annoying in the past. Even now she just rolled her eyes and flounced off in her tiny (tiny, I repeat) tutu-like skirt. I really hoped no one tried to rape her tonight.

Onosa dropped us off at the party at 9.30pm (what kind of a party starts at that time anyway???) while Yetty huffed and puffed because she really hadn’t wanted to come at 9.30. It was too early she had groaned. Onosa must really love her. He just dropped us off and drove off after calling out “Have fun”. Did he know that his girlfriend danced on tables when she had two shots of vodka. (God please let there be no vodka within a one mile radius).

And just like that…

“Hi, my name is Kpemi. Welcome to my house.” A cute looking gangly guy said to us as we got to the apartment marked ‘2B’. “You have to take a shot. That’s a welcome shot” he said handing Yetty a small shot glass.

I leaned forward and sniffed it. Vodka.  Just great. It was going to be a long night.

Note: I wrote this many years ago. By many, I mean many. It’s been in my draft because every time I read it I see such promise. Hopefully, a series/novel will come out of this. I actually liked this writing style…what do you think?

One comment

  1. Febz · December 11, 2017

    Love the style!
    Already wondering what flavour of trouble is brewing..🤔

    Liked by 1 person

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